A Day of Loss

On Friday I had my last visit with Oregon Reproductive Medicine. It was the kids' last day of school and things were hectic. I left over an hour early and ended up getting there late due to insane traffic and almost running out of gas. Aaron decided to surprise me and meet me at the office. I'm so happy he showed up. I wouldn't have handled what came next without him. Upon getting on the table and putting my feet in the stirrups my Dr. Started the ultrasound, her demeanor changed within a few seconds after her search for baby A. She said, "lets try for baby B first". We were thrilled to hear a very strong hear beat and a moving strong baby B. (Can you see the arms and legs?)

She went back to baby A and said, I'm so sorry, but baby A does not have a heartbeat. She measured and said the baby stopped growing sometime in the week. Shocked she proceeded to tell us that this happens a lot. And there was nothing I could have done. If a baby has a chromosome abnormality it will stop growing by about the 8 week mark. She said that she isn't worried about baby B, and that she is comfortable releasing me to my regular OB. Tears and frustration inevitably followed. We had gotten so used to the idea of twins, planning on matching blue eyes and jungle print clothes.
After a good cry, a long chat with my mom, comforting cuddles with my hubby and some research on what happened, I have started to feel a bit better. Apparently there is a term for what we've been through. It's called Vanishing Twin. Most people don't know they have twins growing, in fact they barely know they're pregnant at this point in pregnancy. The twin doesn't make it due to the abnormalities before they even realize there were two. We were very lucky to know so early because of the close watchful eyes of our fertility clinic.
I feel so blessed to have a life growing in me still and remain prayerful that he or she continues to grow.
The reason why we didn't let anyone know we were going through the whole process to begin with was to avoid pity and questions when/if things didn't work out. We ask for your prayers for the continual growth of baby B, and not for the "are you ok?" questions. We appreciate your concern, but this is how we deal and process.

A Letter of Thanks

Friday was hard for more than one reason, the fact that I would likely not see the people at Oregon Reproductive for a very long time, or be comforted by their services really tugged at my heartstrings. They took such good care of me I couldn't just leave without letting them know how I felt. With a card, I prepared this letter.

Everyone at Oregon Reproductive Medicine,

Words cannot describe the gratitude I feel for your amazing service and kindness. Throughout our time with you we have felt so well taken care of. You have given us an amazing gift and have done it with class as professionals and what can only be described as friendship.

This morning I cried thinking that today could be my last appointment with you for a very long time. It is bitter sweet. I will miss you!

Thank you to my “Shoe Buddy” who knew me by site and always made me comfortable while she took my blood.

Thank You Nurses for your kind reassuring friendliness.

Thank You Dr. Barbieri for your positive, professional manner and for your expertise in making our dreams become reality.

Thank you Genevieve. You are incredible. The sound of your voice always made me feel comfortable and at ease with each step of this crazy hard process. Your compassion and friendship have meant so much. I feel as if I’m saying goodbye to a dear friend and not just my nurse.

Thank you embryologists who have taken and will continue to take fantastic care of the little bits of us that make up what is most important in our lives. Our family.

Thank you to all the staff who always greeted me with a smile. I know you see hundreds of people a week and have so many services but I always felt special and important.

My experience with ORM will not be forgotten.

THANK YOU with all my heart,

Time Flies...

when your having fun... or when your sick and eating all day long. From what I've read and what my nurse has told me I need to eat an extra 300 calories a day per baby. On top of my regular 2000 caloric diet. That's 2600 calories every 24 hours. That's 325 calories every 2 hours I'm awake.. This is crazy.. and my body will get sick and super nauseous if this doesn't happen. So I have this timer on my phone so every time I eat I re set it for 1 hr 45 min to remember to eat again. Insane much?! This isn't complaining.. just letting you all know one of those random things a pregnant mother of two goes through. :) Oh and apparently the fatigue is supposed to be doubled too..... "so that's why I had a two hr nap today on the couch and still feel like going to bed at 7:30".. lol

So on Friday I went back for another ultrasound appt. It's so cool I get to see babies so early and so often! Here is a picture of both babies:

You can almost see the profile of baby B.. or at least what looks like one. Baby A was floating softly super easy to measure.. but baby B was all spiratic and all over the place... makes me think about what their personalities will end up like. :)
I'm now just over 8 weeks along and the babies are about the size of a kidney bean each with good little sacks around them. My waist line grew a half an inch over the week... nice.. :) My next appt will be friday the 15th. I will then be released to my regular OB. Super excited!